I got a msg just an hour ago that a friend had passed away earlier this morning. We were never very close, but neither were we merely hi-bye friends. One or two years older than me, we met when we were both in secondary school, were in the same cell group for a while and had a number of interactions while growing up in church together. His last fb status was something about leaving Thailand in eager anticipation of meeting his girlfriend. Just yesterday, I was on a ferry back with his girlfriend asking where he was. Despite not knowing him very well, the sense of loss is imminent – he’s gone and he won’t be coming back.

How ephemeral life can be. A part of me wants to allow myself to be overwhelmed, take out my guitar and play amazing grace over and over again ad inifnitum, but to what end? To simply relish in the tangibleness of human emotion? Instead, while it is difficult to restrain myself, I have somehow chosen to distract myself, but clearly that is easier chosen than done. Death has never been closer to me, and with this new found proximity has come a whole flood of questions, not in itself new, but old questions with a new realness to them. Questions and occasional morbid thoughts about life and death, life before death, life here after death,life in the near future and life in the distant, time and ephemerality and the like.

I’m not sure how different thinking these thoughts in a pseudo-intelligent way is different from playing amazing grace. I suppose the former is a much more convincing coping mechanism for me. One where I worry less that I may fall into a bottomless emotional pit. Or so I hope.

Rest in peace dear friend, and may all the friends and family find peace too.

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~ by moz on October 29, 2012.