i think one of those ‘defining moments’ in life that really ‘defined’ me as an inherent anti-structuralist and recalcitrant rebel (despite all those positions i have taken which ironically required people to conform to my leadership) is this moment (or moments, since it happened repeatedly) in my childhood where my dad, an engineer by training, told me of how he, as a maths whiz, always could get pass his peers in maths exams because he understood the reasons and derivations of the formulas they were taught and refused to blindly apply them, as taught. i think he told me that likewise in life, it is always important to understand the reason why we do things and not just blindly go through the motions as prescribed by others. I think that must have had a profound impact on my person and character: i have stubbornly refused to conform (probably with some post-modernistic suspicion of:) the norm. exams too, form part of that suspicion i have of structures.

looking back at this sem, as it closes in the next couple of days, have i enjoyed it? despite the crazy convergence of essay deadlines, and the convergence of exams shortly after, yes, i did, of which the best part was the simple joy of accumulating knowledge in lectures (those which were useful anyways), through the immense research done in the process of churning out an essay and yes, even through the satisfaction of consolidating what has been taught in the semester in the preparation for the exams. exams therefore are peripheral and that is why, despite this singaporean obsessions with grades, i would very much like to do more than 3 usp arts mods, because 3 just isn’t enough to make my uni life meaningful to me.

i cannot describe what i am feeling right now. it’s kind of a sense of liberation from a structurally superimposed pressure to do well. i have never been one to do well in exams (maybe except maths somehow) and i cannot foresee myself doing well in this set of exams either. yet, i find comfort in the fact that in this semester, even though my grades may not reflect it, that i have gained something far more important. and i don’t just mean the good experience (or the feel good experience) or the ‘skills’ but really this sense that i have acquired knowledge in areas no one else has bothered with. and maybe that is why i have this reluctance to go through my notes and have decided to enthrall myself in the arguments made by Jonathan Rigg on marginality instead. after all, who really can be contented knowing what everyone else has learnt?

roar.

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~ by moz on November 24, 2009.